Will my baby go straight to a new home if I am planning a closed adoption?
Sunday, July 18th, 2010 at
3:20 pm
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Please do not do this to yourself, or to your baby. You will most likely never recover from this. And for the love of God, please do not contact any of the greedy pap vultures here who have already emailed you or added you to their contact list. They do not care about you, only getting their mitts on your baby.
Please educate yourself as to how adoption will affect you and your child. No baby wants to be raised by strangers. They want their natural Mother or Father to raise them.
Here are some MUST read links for you. Please do not give your baby away to strangers.
http://www.cubirthparents.org
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.amfor.net/acs
http://www.origins-usa.org
http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
It is best to discuss this with the agency or lawyer who is going to handle the adoption as it will be between them and the adopting couple. I had a semi open with my adoptive children and they came home from the hospital with me per her request.
You need to ask the agency how that is handled. Even then I wouldn’t trust them. I know that pre-birth matching gets a lot of bashing here but in that case the baby is typically taken home by the adoptive parents directly from the hospital. It completely avoids any interim foster care by strangers who will not be a permanent face in child’s life.This can all be done anonymously if you wish without exchanging names. If the agency or adoptive parents can’t go with that then find some who will. If this is what you want then you should demand it. If you truly are committed to placing your baby for adoption then you need to know that you hold ALL of the power up until you actually sign a relinquishment. Don’t let anyone, including the agency convince you otherwise. Ask for your own attorney to assist you in getting things done according to your wishes. You have more rights than you probably have been lead to believe.
The thing about closed adoption is this: You may never know. Once you hand over the baby, you will likely not get a truthful answer about anything. Why? Because the transaction is done.
I know that I was in foster care for a few months before my adoptive parents took me to their home. I know a lot of other adoptees had this happen to them also.
I highly encourage you to try parenting for a while, because the only way you can ensure that your child is going to have a good life is to provide that good life yourself. Adoption doesn’t guarantee a better life, only a different one.
There is no way you can guarantee your baby will get the kind of home you would like for her. Closed adoption also means no contact until your child is an adult so you wont know what her life will be like.
In 1972 I gave up my daughter, they said she would go directly to her new home, but after I found her I found out she spent the first 6 weeks of her life in foster care. It was a closed adoption and it hurt me deeply to find this out. She was also molested by a family friend of the aparents. We thought she would have a better life, but that was not true. We were told in a closed adoption that she could never find us and we could never find her, this was not true either, since we have been in reunion since 2001. I was told that I would ‘get over’ giving her up, but again that was not true.
In reunion since 2001
Closed adoptions usually work by the poor kid having to grow up knowing no-one and nothing about their own history. They grow up receiving no genetic mirroring in order to learn how the world works, and so regularly and often develop such traumatising traits such as hyper-vigilance – and speaking from personal experience, there is nothing worse in this world than being abandoned by your own mom.
You carried the kid beyond the latest abortion date, so stomach up and raise your own damn kid instead of abandoning it into gawd alone knows what ’cause seriously, once you sign the papers, it doesn’t matter what anyone’s promised you, you have no control over what happens.
I dropped lucky, I was palmed off onto a relatively decent couple who tried their hardest, but I have a mate who was palmed off on to a couple who separated six months after the adoption was finalised, and had to grow up enduring abuse at the hands of her adoptive dad, as well as the long string of ‘lodgers’ he used to invite around to abuse her with.
Also, don’t listen to anyone suggesting that open adoption is the way to go – it is almost never legally enforceable! Many parents have lost access to their children due to "open" adoption promises. Please read http://lifemothers.com/thewall.html and http://www.bringperihome.com/history.html and http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/wish.html before listening to the hype.
I was abandoned to adoption at 7mths old. I didn’t have a bad adoption – my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen… but if I’d been able to choose, and I’d known then what I know now, I’d've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, ’cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I’ve gone through would’ve been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I’ve been suffering for now.
I’ve been in reunion with my bfam for a few months now, and even that’s proving to be completely agonising.
Taken from Nancy Verrier’s book, Coming Home to Self: http://www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php
For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn’t understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)
Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure – even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That’s why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful – being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed – it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child’s greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)
It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn’t as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you’re not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."
(pg 117)
So do the best thing ever, and don’t abandon your kid, ’cause seriously, it leaves the kid suicidal in way too many instances.
Are you sure you want a closed adoption? It is, of course your decision, just be certain You want it closed. Whether it is open or closed, it doesn’t affect How it is handled. Closed adoption means your information is not available and neither is that if the adoptive family’s.
If you just don’t want access, you can still allow the option of an Open adoption.
My sons birth mother isn’t actively involved but I encourage it if she wants. We have an Open adoption however she chooses not to enforce that option. Her and I do speak often but just doesn’t choose visitation.
You will get slammed on here for sure. Just stay strong and try to research as much as you can with the facts.
I hired the attorney, as all adoptive parents should, for my son’s natural parents. I would be happy to pass that info along to you.
When it comes to a closed adoption the legalities vary from state to state and agencies vary as well. I did a lot of research into this before placing my baby up for adoption. If you are worried about your baby going straight to a loving permanent home I would suggest looking into an open adoption. When you do a closed adoption you do not have any legal right to that information once you relinquish your rights to the child. Your child may initially go to a temporary or foster home until permanent placement can be found. In some cases children spend their whole lives in the system going from one foster family to another. In an open adoption you personally choose the family that your child will be adopted by. You look through portfolios or scrapbooks that the potential families put together for the birth moms so they can get some insight into the type of people they are and their background. This enables you to make sure that the baby is going to a secure and stable home where he/she will be properly cared for and loved. You can also decide if you would like your personal information to be available to the child once they reach 18 or in some cases 21 years of age. Personally I felt more at ease knowing that I interviewed the potential families myself and choose the family that I thought were the best candidates to raise and care for a child. I also have contact with the family and receive photos and letters which is completely optional to the birth mother. Some birth moms prefer to cut ties with the child and family after wards so they can go through the healing process and move on which is totally understandable. The choice is yours, You will have to live with this decision fro the rest of your life so if I were you I would do some research into closed and open adoptions as well as adoption agencies before making any snap decisions. Neither is right or wrong just make sure your sources are legit same goes for any agencies or lawyers you may decide to use and make the decision between which type of adoption is right for you. Just do your homework on them before using them. A Guardian Angel Adoption Agency is a great agency to go through. The birth mom coaches and counselors are fantastic and are there for you every step of the way in providing assistance to you in all aspects of your life during this tough time.
Closed adoption means you will never know who has your baby, unless your child somehow finds you later on in life.
You will not know when your child is adopted, or even if your child is adopted…yes, it is possible your child could end up in life-long care. You won’t be told anything.
Please try to think about this. You will not forget your child. Unlike other situations, this is one where "out of sight, out of mind" does *not* work.
the pain of loss will go on and on…and it will increase with time.
wait a tic… lisa c wrote "I hired the attorney, as all adoptive parents should, for my son’s natural parents."
so, by this logic, if i was in need of a contract lawyer for a new job to make sure my interests are met, i should allow the prospective employer to hire my attorney, right?
and people wonder why first mothers get screwed.
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ok. the decision to relinquish is yours. all i say is get as much information (and not from flashy websites showing pretty pregnant girls whose babies were ‘saved’ due to adoption); yet from ALL SIDES of the argument.
adoption is permanent. especially a closed adoption. no one can guarantee you what will happen once you walk away. a family could want your baby and then out of the blue, decide not to take the baby. the baby could go to foster care. the baby could go to less than optimal people.
i’m not "bashing" you, as was suggested; yet strongly encourage you to listen to all sides of the story. and please whatever you do, DO NOT WORK WITH AN ATTORNEY paid for my the people who WANT YOUR BABY!!! you will not get good representation. you will only have one more person (the one who purports to work in your best interest) to reinforce the "you are doing the loving thing" dogma.
i wish you well.
You mean you are planning to willingly give your child away? Thought all you birthers were forced and under horrifying duress…oh yeah…that’s only in the retelling, years later! Gotcha.
Your the cream of the crop for giving away you flesh and blood lady…cheers!
I believe that in almost all cases the child goes straight home with the new parents. I was adopted at birth and it was a closed adoption with pre-birth matching. My parents picked me up from the hospital when I was ready to be discharged the next day and took me home.
Also, if you want to send a scrapbook or a letter to your child you can create these before hand and take them to the hospital with you when you give birth and then ask the nurse to give them to the adoptive parents when they take the baby home.
The baby should go directly to the new home. It all depends on many things. In most cases the baby leaves the hospital with the adoptive parents. Also, while in the hospital, the adoptive parents are usually there and are able to care for the baby. Do you have any couples in mind? My husband and I are looking into adopting a child. We have a 7 year old daughter. Our son passed away in Oct. 2004. He was only 5 days old. I can not have any more children. We pray that God will bless us with another child. I pray that everything works out for you and that you will find the perfect family for your baby. You are a very strong person and will be very blessed.