Was I really being immature?
This incident occurred last Christmas, but my wife and I still argue over it occassionally.
We live in a culturally diverse community–she is white, and I am black. Last Christmas, we went to visit her family in Tennessee for the first time.
When her family with talk with each other, they would use their normal dialect. However, whenever they addressed me, they would use ebonics and ghetto phrases replicated off MTV or BET (ie: "Yo, dog, he was trippin’ fuh real, you feelin’ me?") Or they would make statements such as, "Could you teach my son to rap? He’s a big fan of Eminem!"
When it came time to exchange gifts, I received items such as baggy hip hop style clothings, silver imitation jewelry with a huge glittering dollar sign or words such as "Big Pimpin’ ", and cd’s from Tupac Shakur and Dr. Dre. They made laughing remarks to the nature of, "Yeah, it was kind of hard shopping for you cause we aren’t sure what black people like. We had to order the clothes from online because we couldn’t find any stores where black people shop for their clothes!"
Keep in mind, these gifts were for a 28 year old insurance agent with a master’s degree.
I was so irritated, I quietly asked my wife to excuse me, and I went outside for a brief walk around the block to calm myself. Shortly afterwards, I noticed a taxi, and elected to just return to our hotel room and sleep. My wife was extremely angry when she retured, and claimed that her family was insulted by my actions and that they said I was no longer welcome in their home. I told her I didn’t like the fact that they were all acting as though I were another species of human, but she kept saying that they were at least trying to get along with me.
I personally believed they were being ignorant and stereotypical, but she continues to say I was being a baby and needed to just laugh it off and have fun with them.
Which one of us is right, and why?
Filed under: Baby Clothes
Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!
I think you are both right.
They certainly were treating you as if you were a different species, and they certainly were being ignorant and stereotypical. They certainly were ignoring that you are a highly educated insurance agent. And I agree that being extremely irritated, and even angry, is a normal response to being treated like that.
BUT, the word ‘ignorant’ is the key here. These people, who know so little about your people that they think they have to find a store where ‘black people shop for their clothes’, and who probably don’t know any ‘African Americans’ socially, and who get their entire idea of what you might be like from the TV and popular culture, probably WERE doing their best to welcome you. They most likely thought they were treating you in a way you wanted to be treated.
Remember, they COULD have been cold, and stiff, carefully not mentioning that you are of a different race, speaking in stilted tones, and acting uncomfortable when you sat on their furniture. Instead, they made asses out of themselves trying to make you feel welcome.
I admit that I can’t be completely sure they were trying to make you feel welcome. I suppose they might have been doing all that stuff, and buying all those presents, just to insult you. It does seem obvious that you don’t wear clothes and jewelry like the stuff they gave you. Had they met you often, outside of the wedding, before? Were they really familiar with how you are and how you dress etc.?
So, I agree that their actions and words were very irritating, and you feeling angry was appropriate. What might have been NOT appropriate was SHOWING that you were angry. You are intelligent enough to judge whether these people were trying their best but were screwing up royally, or were purposely trying to insult you. If they WERE trying their best, then it would have been better for you to just grin and bear it, for now. Then you could have talked about it with your wife. Then your wife could have gently talked about it, after a couple of months had gone by, with her family. In this way they could have been slowly educated about you, and in extension, about your people, so that they would have slowly become less ignorant.
I am only guessing, of course, from knowing so many people from both races, from living in a large extended biracial family, and having southern relatives too. It is very hard to be around people who have an unquestioned belief deep in their minds that they are not only completely different than you, but they are somehow better than you. I guess I don’t have to tell you that. And it is hard to always have to be the noble one, the one who smiles and bears it, and pushes on toward a better understanding someday. But, that is the role you chose when you chose to be in a biracial family.
If you apologize, don’t apologize for being angry, since you had the right to feel that way; apologize for leaving the house and not coming back, for leaving your wife AND her ignorant, awkward, but possibly well meaning family wondering what was going on, and feeling insulted.
Good luck with this road you have chosen. Good luck being the noble one.
Are you being serious? You are right and have every right to be up set. They are the ones who are being immature and racist. Its sad they hadn’t taken any time to get to know you and your likes and dislikes, or even ask your wife about them.
It would be the equivalent of your family getting her dentures and lard (white southern stereotype).
i think you are right. They were being sterotypical.
i think her family was being pretty ignorant, but you could have taken the chance to say "actually, i’m interested in things like blah..blah..just like you guys." to show them that you aren’t a different species of human. so neither one of you was completely right in the situation, i think.
As a black female married to a white male. YOU ARE RIGHT. I went to visit my husband’s family and they did not treat me like that. And I was 21 at the time. They did not do stereotypical things to me at all. Her family was completely out of line and they need to apologize to you. So what you aren’t welcomed, if it had been be I would have showed them just how "black" I can be.
you are right!!!!!!!!!!! she is bein dumb!
you need to explain that just cause you’re black doesnt mean your ghetto, just like they’re not stupid just cause their white (either way by the sound of things they are stupid
explain why you got mad, she may have no clue as why your pissed
you are right. her family was totaly ignorant and what they did is terrible. talk to her about it. what they did was so racist and wrong, its not even funny. im sorry about that. i really am
God Bless
I Strongly Agree With You! That’s Immature Of Them To Do That To You! That’s Just Plain Old Rude, They Could Of Asked Your Wife Somethings You May Have Wanted!
No you were not, that is very racist. You definantly had the right to do that after someone treats you like that. You’re wife seems like a bitch.
God her family has some issues, i mean RACIST!!! You can’t get more racist then they were to you. You were totally right for leaving.
The entire thing makes no sense, so I dunno.
They were wrong for being kinda racist and you were wrong for just going to the hotel room without saying anything!
You were wrong to take off without explaining the reason to your wife. You’re right, her family sounds ignorant but you need to talk to her and ask her to deal with her family’s ignorance. You could have laughed it off. Instead you exacerbated the problem by sneaking off. Her family needs to be educated and I don’t care if someone has a masters degree or a doctorate. Just because they have book learnin’ doesn’t mean they have much common sense.
Well I think in a way you were both right.. you were right they were being very rude but i also think she is right because you should not have gone back to the hotel i bet the were insulted!
your DEF right. it doesnt matter what race you are her family should not "down" you like that. it sounds like her family has got some MAJOR issues
I would be irritated too! You both are somewhat right, though. They probably aren’t around many people of your race. That gives them no right to give you tacky stereotypical gifts. They could’ve asked your wife what you would have wanted. I understand that it might be hard to apologize but I think you should just do it for the family’s sake. Have a talk with them, apologize for your actions but let them understand who you really are and what you like. Good Luck!
They were wrong for saying those kinds of things, and I think what you did-excusing yourself and taking a walk-was the right thing to do. I think the part where you were in the wrong was when you just took the taxi back and didn’t bother to go back and say thank you (at least good night or something) and you definitely should have told your wife where you were going. I guess you just have to be patient with your wife’s family, but you should talk to your wife about how the whole situation made you feel uncomfortable. There was no need to treat you differently. More communication.
neither one of you is right. You need to just forget about it and she needs to understand. Sorry to say this and no offense intended but to me it sounds like your wife is not as intelligent as you are. ( not calling her stupid.)
YOU were right! These butt holes that say you were wrong are racists.
Sorry this happened to you, but they had no right to say those things. "We aren’t sure what black people like" my butt! That’s just racist! Not welcome in your their home, you should say the same to them! What kind of sick people go out and buy baggy pants, Dollar Sign that say Big Pimpin’, Black Music, and then expect you to like those gifts? That’s the biggest stereotype I’ve ever heard of on here, and you had a right to be upset!
If god doesn’t judge us by our skin we shouldn’t either. Sorry if that was a flame, I just hate it when people are racists.
Well It depends if thy were joking or not.
If they weren’t then you were right. You have the right to be angry.
Talk to your wife and express your feelings.
Man why in the hell would you EVER go back there? They weren’t even trying to hide that they were racist. wtf is that "we don’t know what a black person likes? no black stores" Mine in laws tried that with me we don’t really talk they said sorry but the damage was done. I like it this way she can go visit but not me she is still mad for the way i was treated. Cut them off period. Next time send then a box of fukin crackers and some white sheets and a hood say i thought you might like this didn’t have anything else for white ppl in my hood dog! lol let it go!
OK, well i see your point on them being stereotypical, because what they did wasnt really the best way to treat the husband of a family memeber, in other words you dont treat family like that. I think that you shold try telling your wife that what they told you really got you upset,you arn’t being a baby at all, what would have been worse is that if you wnt back when you were still pissed off and did something out of anger. You did the right thing for backing away because you knew that you didn’t want to do anything that would offend your wife’s family. I also see your wife’s point that maybe you should have said goodbye or something, but don’t worry it happens, it wasn’t your fault that they said that, and if they didn’t know what you like maybe next time they should take the time and get to know you better. But remeber all that matters is that you know you didn’t do anything with the wrong intention. Hope that helps = ]
well white people don’t know what black people like.How long have you and your wife been married. 1-2 years your being immature.3-5years i understand.5-7 years your right. Your wife should have told them what you like.You could have acted happy too. Your both right
I would say I understand where you’re coming from but she’s right. They were trying to understand a culture they are obviously very unfamiliar with and they obviously do not know how to go about getting to know you and "your culture"… but despite that, there was an ATTEMPT to embrace the "your" culture and you if you felt they tackled it in an offensive way, you should have just held it in and told your wife about it AFTER the celebration. She in turn can find her own way of telling them in a language they’d understand!!!
You definitely didn’t act like a 28 year old Master’s degree holder right there! If I were you, I’d apologize to her and them, and make amends… these are the stupid little arguments which cause the break down of a marriage, trust me!
Well… I’m Black also, and i agree that it is irritating when you are classified or catergorized as a hip-hop loving "hood" Homie or whatnot, But I can also see where your wife is coming from, i mean personally, i can laugh and all, you have to know that there are still ignorant "white people" out in the world, but if it was all in innocence, trying to connect with you ( maybe though they have never had to deal with black culture ) you shouldn’t get mad, at any rate you should have talked to them about yourself, that the young homie "gangsta" w/e image is not your persona. Talking always helps others understand. Because now what you’ve done is burned bridges =P Try apologizing to the family and explain the situation, they seem nice, and they should understand.
YOU are right. and i think she should stand up to her family and tell them to have a little be of respect to the person she decided to married.
Good luck
it sounds like they’re the ones being immature to me. i mean, it’s okay to joke a little bit, but they went really overboard.
Sadly, there are plenty of people out there that don’t know they are being ignorant. I doubt they were intentionally being ignorant. They are probably from a community that doesn’t have much in the way of racial diversity. They don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable by being all "white". Does that make it right? No. But, they ARE trying. All you need to do is have your wife talk to them. She needs to tell them that the way they’re trying to make you feel comfortable is actually making you uncomfortable. I know the same thing happens when the shoe is on the "white" foot and the family the white person is visiting is from a community that is mostly black. Again, it doesn’t make it right, but that’s something you need to come to terms with.
You were wrong for just leaving. You need to have more compassion. I know it’s hard to have it when you feel you’re being stereotyped, but like I said. You need to realize they’re from a whole different world than you. You should have at least come back, said goodbye, "thanks for having me", and then left to the hotel. Just up and leaving without a word IS immature. You claim to be so great at 28 and a master’s degree, but you would think that you make you a bit more mature and capable of handling such a situation.
It would probably also be good if you would apologize for leaving so rudely. It was rude. Yes, so were they and I’m sure once it’s talked over with your wife, they’ll apologize, too. Be the bigger man.
I’d say that you both had some good points and some bad.
You were completely right to feel insulted, and her family was wrong to assume that all black people fit under one stereotype. However, heading straight back to the hotel probably wasn’t the best course of action, and your wife was probably correct in saying that her family just wanted to get along with you and didn’t have the best way of showing it.
Personally, I’d return to their home as soon as possible (or after a day or two, to let the anger cool off on both sides). Apologize for leaving early and explain that you were offended by their behavior. Try to make it clear that you don’t think they were intentionally racist towards you, but it came off as being such. Hopefully they’ll apoligize as well, and you can get off to a fresh start.
If your girlfriend’s family doesn’t improve even after you explain your feelings, it’s probably best to cut off contact with them as much as you can. You could also ask your girlfriend to say something to them if they don’t get the message at first.
Best of luck!
I think you’re the one who’s right :/
"it was kind of hard shopping for you cause we aren’t sure what black people like", I think that’s stupid and ignorant. we’re all human beings, That was very stereotypical and I don’t understand why your wife would still stand by her family’s side after they said you weren’t welcome in their home anymore, it’s just ridiculous that they would even say that haha..
If I was you, I would have stood up for myself. Then ask your wife if she was ready to go and if she didn’t I would have walked right out just like you did. What they did was humiliate you and no one deserves that no matter what color you are. As for your wife, she should have seen this and been a wife and stood up to her family giving them a piece of her mind!!! She’s just as bad as they are for letting it even happen. So I believe you are right and she, well, is definitely wrong. Tell her to kiss ya a$$…
You are but she has a point. The way you were treated was abominable and showed very poor taste. She has a point as you might have returned briefly to excuse yourself using perhaps jet lag or long day fatigue as a reason. They obviously do not know you very well and the way to show them that you are above this stereo typing image they have is to let them get to know you. Laughing off this ignorance is hard and I wouldn’t recommend it but they may have gone through great lengths to show you that they can be cool around black men. Yes I know they were way off but they were doing what they hoped would be acceptable. The only way to know someone is to see them and do things together. It may take a while but eventually they will see you as you are and remember the beginning of how idiotic they were.
Then it will be funny.
people always seem to operate on their own preconceptions. I bet after meeting you they still didn’t learn a damn thing.
Firstly, I can understand why you would be confused who’s right ’cause you both have strong opinions.
I guess the family were only trying to be nice, trying to accept you as "who you are" and by showing that, they gave you those presents… but I have to say, if my boyfriend’s family did that I would be a little insulted too.
The fact that your wife wasn’t trying to understand your side of the story is irritating but try understanding her perspective.. It could be that in her culture, it’s disrespectful to walk out on a family gathering and she didn’t expect you to do that. Thats why she was annoyed.
It might be hard to not have an argument about it, but it should be talked about so try talking to her calmly after telling her you understand why she’s angry.
As for her family, as much as you think they were being stereotypical, they probably don’t know how you felt about it so sit down with them and explain that as much as you loved the presents, you wanted to be a part of the family by including you as if they brought another son home and not act around just by what they see on TV. (bring some flowers to show that you’re sorry for leaving, from experience, some white people love it)
Both of you are wrong for fighting about this. If the family still treats you differently, they probably take things lightly and aren’t that empathetic…
You would be a stronger person if you let it go.
Be Empathetic.
neither of you is right. not completely anyways. they were definitely stereotyping you because of your color which is very wrong. if they didn’t know what you liked then they could have easily asked your wife. my mom asks me for ideas for my husband all the time. so i totally get where you were insulted.
but… you could have handled the situation with much more grace. saying thank you and such. and then give them the chance to get to know you and i bet that next christmas would not be such a fiasco.
now your wife is defending her family because she has loved them all her life, but she needs to learn how to make you a priority too. your feelings were hurt by her family and she should sympathize with you. she could even take someone in her family aside and explain what they did that hurt your feelings. but you kinda blew the whole thing when you acted ungrateful and left.
in order to mend this argument with your wife you need to accept where your actions are wrong and take responsibility for them. and she needs to hear you out as well.
Yes, there were being ignorant and stereotypical. However, you are an educated man, and you should have known how to handle the sitaution, without leaving your wife in a difficult situation. When you were asked about rapping, you needed to tell them in a nice way that you’re actually not into that kind of music (if you’re not). As far as the gifts are concerned, you needed to say that the clothes aren’t really your style of dress, but you appreciate the thought. Perhaps they can be returned. This is how you deal with people like this. Since your wife knows that her parents probably aren’t going to change, she’s saying that you shouldn’t have taken them so seriously. They’re ignorant and not worth your anger. In fact, the entire episode is funny as hell–to think that these people are that ignorant. I can’t imagine how you kept from laughing. Anyway, your wife is right; so go and give her a kiss; and apologize for being so thin skinned.
You were "right" but you should have also explained that not all blacks are the same, and eat watermelon and chicken, as wellas not all oriental know kung fu and not all white are superior. When I entertain or simply talk to people, I talk the same. I do not know theye color or ethnicity. All are the same to me. If they are rude and high and mighty, I simply excuse myself and leave. I probably would have done the same as you. You are an individual, not a group.