Hi guys! My boyfriend speaks English but not enough to understand something this complex. The other day he wants to know why i won’t wear a bikini- he thinks I have a nice body- and I want to explain better to him… Thanks!!
Baby,
I want to try and explain to you why I am insecure about my body. I do not know how to explain earlier, but now I am trying. You told me alot about your life the other night, so I am going to try and let my guard down and tell you more.
When I was younger – maybe 16,17, 18, I am very confident girl with my body. I was the first one to get sent home from school for a dress too short, I loved skirts and bikins or anything. Then, I loved my body. I was the vuluptous girl that matured early and I got alot of attention for it. When I was 19, I met a man that promised me the world, money, houses, expensive gifts, just everything. I know I not in love, but I listen to my dad, and he told me, Christina, you are beautiful girl and there is no reason for you to marry a poor man. Beautiful women should be taken care of. I am young, and even though my heart says no, I listen to my dad and get engaged. Well to make a long story short, in the end the man is a fraud, he is nothing he said he was. Not his name, not his age, what he does for a living, nothing. I am engaged to a lie. He had maybe 30,000 from when his dad died and he spent it all on me to play the big man. But when the money ran out, his lies are exposed. He was mentally ill. Maybe 5 years later I saw him with another really young girl at a resturant and he told his name is different and all kinds of lies. I tried to warn her. Anyways, it really messed me up and I start to have weird things happen, like my hands and head would go numb, and would have panic attacks. So my mom took me to the doctor and they gave me medicine for anxiety. I am young, I have no idea what anxiety is or why I feel this way, so I take it. I gained 50 pounds in 5 months and it gave me stretch marks. The medicine is off the market now for keeping peoples body from burning fat. Anyways, I loose it all and the stretch marks are not really that bad anymore. I can tan and you can’t see them. Maybe two years later I hate them, I want them to go away, so I try something where you exfoliate your skin. Well, big mistake. It made the
500 times worse. It brought out new ones everywhere, Made my skin look wrinkley and I am really angry. They used to be almost invisible, and I feel I have ruined myself. I can tan but you can see them now. I have them on my thighs, my ass, my hips, everwhere. I feel like a zebra! I laid in bed for two days and cried because instead of excepting my small flaws, I want to be perfect and I messed myself up. It is a hard one to swallow when you do it to yourself. So after that then I never want to wear skirts, shorts or anything. I am no longer the confident person I used to be. For years I feel restrained from being who I feel inside. I still do. I love clothes, I love short dresses, I love skirts, bit I do no wear because I hate my stretch marks. I struggled with this for alot of years. I would glady pay any price if there was a way to get rid of them and be myself again but there isn’t. The last couple years, I am older, I see friends my age die, and I am more mature. I realize I am just happy to be alive and my flaws are not the most important thong anymore. But still, I do no wear what I want, and I am always wear jeans. It sucks, but that I why. Maybe now you understand. To alot of people it is stupid, bit to me it is a big deal, it makes me feel uncomfortable, so I just never do what I want. And you thought you had problems, haha!!
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