The first thing I find wrong with this paragraph (it’s not a phrase, it’s a paragraph, and it actually should be 2 paragraphs), is that I don’t know what it means, so helping you is difficult.

The next thing wrong with it is that it seems to be dealing with two separate and not necessarily related ideas: The first idea deals with the marketing of the product (I guess). The second idea deals with what qualities make the product desirable (I guess).

The next thing wong with it is that there are grammatical errors–nothing too serious, and some of them are matters of style more than "errors." But I wouldn’t bother fixing those until I had the ideas sorted out and more clearly stated.

Having said all that, I don’t know what the assignment was, so these criticisms may be off base. Also having said all that, it’s not awful–it needs clarity, more than anything.